death and dying

A Life Remembered

It is a mystery, known only to the Gods

why some lives are so easy,

and others so hard

We have lost our poor sweet Michaela, whose life was never easy, despite all we tried to do.

It was 15 years ago, when, desperate to fill a void in our household created by the loss of another much loved calico cat, we found ourselves in the Pet Food Megastore- directed there by the Petfinder website by the promise of an available calico.

Under the harsh glare of florescent lights, and against the din of heavy metal rock playing loudly on the store’s sound system, we found her, cowering under a cat bed, the only shelter in the sterile container, clearly traumatized by her hostile environment. Heather took one quick look at the situation and swung into action- buttonholing a gum-chewing, purple-haired sales clerk by her nose ring.

That cat is leaving with us- NOW” and within minutes she was ours, purring in her cat carrier as we sped towards the tranquillity of home.

We are convinced that Kayla had PTSD, as she lived her entire life within a prison of her own making. Bravely, she would reach out, socialize and accept affection, but then abruptly, the mood would be shattered and she would withdraw, turning inward for long periods- obviously wrestling with her own demons. Sometimes she would lie abed for days, staring at the wall. We obliged by creating a fortress for her in a warm corner of Heather’s den, with a pyramid bed she could snuggle into next to the heat vent – a “no-go” sanctuary that was her’s alone.

From what little information we could glean, she had been adopted as a kitten by a large and boisterous family whose children took delight in terrorizing their new pet- poking, prodding and tossing her about. Whether Kayla escaped, or was discarded when no longer fun to torment we also will never know, but thankfully she made her way to a shelter, and eventually to us.

Once we got her safely home we realized that she had no tail- a birth defect perhaps, or, as I have always suspected, a traumatic amputation- the result of her tail being being yanked until it no longer functioned, or slammed in a door. We will never know for sure, but you touched her nether regions at your peril.

She had likely suffered harsh treatment from a man, since, in the early years, I had to but enter the room and she would shriek “Eek, eek, man in the room, man in the room, everybody run – hide” and she would quickly scuttle away. Over time I either won her over, or wore her down, as eventually she would content herself with simply giving me a baleful stare, as it to say “Oh, are you still here?”

In Kayla’s ideal world she would have lived alone in a bubble with Heather, her rescuer, who she adored, but alas it was not to be. Kayla’s new home came with two other resident cats, and a dreaded man, and she always appeared slightly miffed that we hadn’t received the memo as to her preferences.

She was the only cat we have ever had that had absolutely no interest in venturing outdoors. A promenade around the sundeck on a warm summer’s day was the furthest she ever ventured. She knew the wide world beyond was a scary place, and she wanted no part of it. Instead, she had a personal sunbeam that warmed her perch on the dining room window where she could bask for hours, pretending she was an ‘only’ cat.

It takes a generous measure of courage to daily face and daily subdue the dragons of the mind, and more still to stand one’s ground in the society of other cats, so Kayla was a very brave little cat. In all the time we had her she yielded not one inch to Big Ben, our dominant alpha cat, who fancied himself as ‘head of household”. Ben learned that he was master of all he surveyed – except Kayla.

As the years rolled by she did begin to heal- at least, she seemed quieter in her mind and generally content,adding “Auntie Janet”, our long-time house sitter, and Vivien, her favourite vet tech, to her miniscule circle of trusted humans.

It was a pity that the rest of her body wouldn’t co-operate. Michaela’s later years were plagued by bouts of pancreatitis and renal failure, and her life became a medical roller-coaster. Unable to eat, she would receive injections for nausea, and pills to stimulate her appetite. Daily we laid a smorgasbord to try to tempt her to eat- different cat foods, canned salmon, tuna, chicken, steak, you name it, we tried it. Towards the end our own menu orbited around what Kayla would eat from our plate. ( Frankly, I’ll be happy not to have fish for dinner again for awhile).

Administering a pill to an un-co-operative cat is surely one of life’s more difficult tasks, but one which Heather undertook daily. My task, handling the sub-cutaneous injections of medications, was a cake- walk by comparison. The heavy lifting fell to faithful Vivien, making bi-weekly house calls to wield the gigantic syringe that pumped Kayla up with sub-cutaneous fluids and assuredly extended her life by many months

Despite our efforts Michaela gradually wasted away, weighing a scant 6 pounds at her death. The adage is that cat’s have nine lives – I’m not sure about that, but I do know of four trips to the vet with euthanasia in mind. She came home from three of them, thanks only to the careful and compassionate care she received from Dr Melissa and the wonderful staff of Westwood Veterinary, and Kayla’s own incredible spunk.

She is at rest now, and free of pain, but not yet quite gone from our household -her spirit seems to linger, as we still catch, out of a corner of an eye, the occasional flash of movement echoing her distinctive gait, and still feel her eyes following as we pass by any of her favourite haunts. She is welcome to linger, as she was much loved, and is sorely missed.

Categories: death and dying, In memoriam, pets, Reflections | 1 Comment
 
 

Remembrance

A couple of months before the world turned upside down, I had the rare privilege to observe an elephant herd honouring one of their dead.

All that remained of the fallen elephant was its massive sun bleached skull, lying exposed on the the parched African veldt. Each member of the herd slowly approached in turn, to reverently touch the skull. Some nudged it a bit, while others caressed it in remembrance for long minutes, before moving off to permit the next member of the herd to pay their respects. The matriarch lingered the longest, followed closely by the oldest adults, while at the end of the line came the youngsters, obviously too young to have known the fallen one, and acting much like human kids might at an aged aunt’s funeral, gave the skull a perfunctory pat, before scampering away.

A vivid recollection of that solemn encounter popped, unbidden, into my mind today, and prompted this blog. It seems to be happening to me a lot recently, memories gurgling to the surface, as one day day drifts into another in uninterrupted Covid topor.

Not just memories, but dreams- vivid ones, of people and places far in the past. Nights in self -isolation are filled with intense and action packed dreams. I’ve skied epic lines down slopes that far surpass my waking abilities-taking big air, and floating effortlessly back to earth. I’ve canoed at least a dozen wild rivers in my sleep during Covid, and hiked in deserts, rainforests and jungles, joined in my travels by an ever changing cast of companions, some contemporary, but some only dimly remembered from decades in the past.

Barred from the inside of any courtroom for over a year by the wretched virus, I’ve nonetheless crafted intricate legal arguments, and laid down withering cross examinations in a score of dream courts; amazing myself upon awakening to realize that the cases being litigated were completely new, not a re-hash of old battles or even a rehearsal for anything languishing in the filing cabinet now awaiting the opening of the courts, and often involved areas of the law of which I am innocent of any knowledge, while awake. One night last week found me, in my slumber, parsing fine points of constitutional and jurisdictional caselaw pertaining to a log-jam on a tributary of the Nechacho river, when suddenly the courtroom dissolved and we were all in the water, counsel, judge and court clerk all struggling in a maelstrom of white water.

I am sure that there are those far more learned and erudite than this blogger, who can theorize why, during Covid, our dreams have become so intense, and intricate, and have pried open so many forgotten corners of our subconscious. Some may even be brave enough to attempt an interpretation of their meaning.

For me, I am content to simply savour the experience. You see, amongst the most vivid of my dreams was a youthful walk along a leafy, sun dappled path to a lake where I fished, and talked to my father, just after the fiftieth anniversary of his death. Most recently, I delighted in an animated conversation with a much young version of my mother, a conversation impossible now in the light of day, as she fades away, barricaded, safe but unhuggable, in assisted living.

Nighttime, during Covid, has become a time to pause on the journey across the veldt, to caress old bones- to reflect, and to remember.

Categories: Africa, death and dying, In memoriam, Reflections | Tags: , | 2 Comments

A promise kept

He came into our lives by accident nine years ago. After an exhaustive internet search for cats available for adoption, we had made our choice and found our way to Katie’s place, a wonderful  ‘no-kill’ cat shelter in Maple Ridge that accepts all comers, to meet and adopt the handsome young lad who had caught our eye. Continue reading

Categories: death and dying, In memoriam, pets, Reflections | Tags: , | 3 Comments

Rescue – and Penance

It’s already shaping up to be a record-breaking year for our overworked local search and rescue groups, as they pull scores of out of bound skiers, ill-equipped hikers and overly ambitious mountaineers out of danger. The local media have even developed a bit of a formula for reporting these events. Typically an opening shot of the rescue helicopter descending to search base, and disgorging a bevy of sheepish looking skiers or hikers, followed by a clip where the newly rescued blubber a few words of thanks, and ending with a spokesman for search and rescue gravely admonishing the public to be better prepared when they venture into the wilderness on our doorstep.

Inevitably there is a debate as to whether or not the feckless hikers ought to be charged something for their rescue or fined for their stupidity.  The authorities of course are reluctant to introduce financial consequences into the rescue equation for fear that those in need of help might then be reluctant to seek it for fear of those financial consequences, and in the end creating a much worse result. The occasional hiker apparently does repay the favor with a donation to Search and Rescue, but most I suspect simply shuffle off, their fifteen minutes of fame having expired.

Against that background I can’t help but think of the incredible rescue effort recently concluded that miraculously saved the entire Wild Boar soccer club from a Thai cave. it was a rescue effort that had us all glued to our screens and shaking our heads in disbelief.

What really struck me in the aftermath of the Thai  cave rescue was the announcement that upon discharge from hospital, and  after a brief reunion with their families, the team will, en-masse, enroll as novice monks and will spend a week as such in a nearby monastery, doing penance in quiet prayer and contemplation. That they would do this shows a deep respect for the enormity of the miracle which with they have been blessed, and towards those who made it happen. It is a fitting, and elegant gesture.

As my thoughts stray back to  our local North Shore mountains, the concept of penance following  rescue develops a certain resonance. Should rescued parties be subject to something a little more onerous than the loss of their lift pass privileges ? -such as a week of silent navel gazing  in austere surrounding?

We don’t have a lot of monasteries in BC , but it strikes me that we do have a number of boarded up correction camps- relics from an age where boot camp style training was considered the panacea  for youth corrections. So, imagine if the price of rescue was a week spent as a monk in a re-purposed correctional camp, contemplating the error of one’s ways ?

 

 

 

 

Categories: death and dying, Etiquette & manners, Reflections | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Wither Emily Post?

Back in the 1950’s a fixture on my parents’ bookshelf was “Emily Post’s Etiquette”. It was the definitive guide to everything involving manners or decorum. If you needed to know which knife or fork to use at a state banquet, or how to properly address an ambassador or a bishop, Emily was your source.

I am told that the book is still around, now into its 18th edition, and updated for the digital world by Emily’ s descendants, but somehow it seems to me that the world has become so incredibly complex that propounding rules of etiquette may no longer be possible. At the very least, a new set of rules is sorely needed.

What triggered these musings was a spat of obituary announcements that have shown up recently in my Facebook feed, and my consternation as to how to deal with them.

The first was the easiest, as it announced, not unexpectedly, the death of a very dear family friend, at the venerable age of 101. The announcement, via Facebook was tasteful, and welcomed, since those of us affected by the passing are scattered across the continent. There was no question that I would post a comment, but I baulked at clicking the “like” button as well. Surely one should not “like“ the announcement of someone’s death?

The next was a bit more difficult, a guy I had paddled with on an extended trip two summers ago, and a last-minute no-show for this year’s expedition. He passed suddenly, a day after our last Facebook exchange, bantering about the missed trip.  He died with many friends and acquaintances, but little in the way of close family, certainly no-one that I knew. Not knowing the actual circumstances of his death I didn’t want to blunder in with an inappropriate comment, and certainly didn’t want to appear to be applauding his death with a big thumbs up. To whom was I paying my respects m and, would it be disrespectful to say nothing at all?

Then a business acquaintance posted an announcement of his father’s passing. I had met his father once, years ago, but didn’t feel that my tenuous connection to him made any type of comment appropriate, although I still wanted to reach out to the son. What to do? Barge in with a post, or simply “like” the announcement, or use a silly emoji to try to express myself.?  Again, I find myself resistant to the idea of using an emoji to recoqnize someone’s death.

The last was more difficult yet, It was a local politician, whom I scarcely know, except via social media, and the odd political event. She was announcing, in somewhat coded language, the sudden and devastating loss of her son, whom I had never met. My suspicion, from the language of the post (later confirmed) was that the child had perished as a result of a drug overdose. How to respond, in order to comfort a very nice lady, using the limited tools in Facebook’s toolbox ?

It is, I suggest, past time for a new tome on etiquette, to help those of us who struggle with using social media in a respectful and caring manner. Perhaps Facebook needs to expand its repertoire of available responses, to include  some which are a bit more  formal than a contorted happy face. Or perhaps, we should just eschew social media entirely in such circumstances, and dust off our copy of Emily Post. Emily, I’m sure, would counsel a kind word, a handwritten note, and a comforting hug.

 

 

Categories: death and dying, Etiquette & manners, Reflections | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

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